Speaker 1: Welcome to The Daily Show, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Jon Stewart. We have a fabulous show for you tonight. Christine Lagarde, president of the European Central Bank, is going to be here. We'll be talking about her new movie, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Three Sisters. By the way, speaking of Europe, let's talk about the Middle East. As you know, October 7th marks the one-year anniversary of the horrific attack against Israeli citizens, the kidnapping of hostages, many of whom have died, many of whom are still being held. Since then, there's also been a horrific war in Gaza, which doesn't seem to have gotten us any closer to getting those hostages released. But luckily for both sides, the United States has been working tirelessly since then towards, well, I'll let our former president explain.

Speaker 2: For weeks, I've been advocating to pause in the fighting. You know, I've been working tirelessly. Relentlessly focused. I've been working nonstop. I'm engaged in this day and night. We're working around the clock. We are closer than we've ever been. We're very close. We're close. We're close.

Speaker 1: We were so close... He stopped to get ice cream once. But other than that, it was all ceasefire all the time. Now, if you don't mind, I'm seeing what's going on over there, and it's making me a little bit hungry. I think I'm going to grab myself a little something. I'm going to take a little... I just shot ice cream into my eye. Ice cream is, I give the president credit, a very dangerous treat. I'm going to take a big bite of my ice cream cone as I find out how our ceasefire efforts are paying off.

Speaker 3: Israel launching an all-out assault on Hezbollah in Lebanon over the weekend.

Speaker 4: What?.

Speaker 1: So worth it.

Speaker 4: Wait, we've been working tirelessly

Speaker 1: for a ceasefire in Gaza, and then f***ing Lebanon?. The whole point was, we're going to downgrade Hamas, we're going to attack the terrorists there, we're going to get the hostages home. What did Lebanon do?

Speaker 5: No country can accept the wanton rocketing of its cities. We can't accept it either.

Speaker 1: But you've also been wanton rocketing. What kind of rocketing are you doing in Gaza if not wanton? And by the way... That's how little criticism they face. By the way, Lebanon is also a country. What makes you think they're going to accept your rocketing or whatever other James Bond shit you've been up to? Thousands of wireless pagers simultaneously exploding across Lebanon. Exploding pagers, ah. Lebanon expected Israel to attack from the south, but instead they attacked from the 1980s. What?. Ooh. You know what Lebanon should do? Yeah. Well, Israel, got any quarters? By the way, quick message for our viewers who are under, let's say, 45. This is a pager. Let me just, let me come over here. This is a pager. This is a pager. I'm gonna put it over here. Not really sure where we bought those from, so... You see, there was a time back in the olden days when we didn't have cell phones but still wanted to buy drugs. You would... You would ping your local neighborhood dealer on his pager. What? And then he would come over and say something like, Are you gonna smoke all of this yourself? And then you would say, Do you wanna come in? And the next thing you know, you're driving him disconnected. The point is, stay in school. But yes. Israel. Israel. Yes, Israel. Israel remotely exploded all of Hezbollah's pagers and walkie-talkies, which is why, going forward, Hezbollah will limit its communications to the message boards on nudeafrica.com. Because no one will ever find out the things that you post on nudeafrica.com under the username I AM MARK ROBERTSON CANDIDATE FOR NORTH CAROLINA GOVERNOR 836. No one will find out. Nope. Now, we know the Americans have been working tirelessly on a ceasefire in Gaza through countless hours and all 31 Baskin-Robbins flavors, apparently. But this new conflagration points to another outcome the United States has been very much trying to avoid.

Speaker 6: From day one, since October 7th, it's been one of our primary objectives to prevent the conflict from escalating, from spreading in other places. Prevent an escalation or widening or deepening of this conflict.

Speaker 7: We have been laser-focused on trying to prevent that wider war since October 7th.

Speaker 2: I don't think we need a wider war in the Middle East. That's not what I'm looking for.

Speaker 1: Why would you be looking for that? You know what I'd love? A wider war in the Middle East. Well, now that a wider war has broken out in the Middle East, this is President Biden yesterday talking about what we're going to do about it. We're going to do everything we can to keep the wider war from breaking out. How f***ing wide does this war have to be before we call it a wider... Without Turkey, it's still technically in the margins. Look. As far as I'm concerned, it's not a wide war until it includes Mongolian archers. Come on. What are we doing? And by the way, if this isn't the wider war, then what is this?

Speaker 8: It continues to be a very dangerous situation, a very difficult situation. It's a very difficult, volatile situation, and the situation could escalate at any moment.

Speaker 1: F***. Oh, I'm sorry. Okay, so it's not a war. It's a volatile situation-ship. Of friends with bombafits, if you will. But what... What if... What if you really want to experience the full cognitive dissonance and language calisthenics that have to be deployed to describe the Middle East over the last, I don't know, four, five, six, ten thousand years? How we're describing what's... I give you the golden soundbite brought down from Sinai to explain how f***ing convoluted this has to be.

Speaker 9: What the Israeli government is saying, and the Biden administration is in many ways subscribed to this idea, is de-escalation through escalation. Or as that is sometimes called,

Speaker 1: WAR. That is World War II. Look at the subhead. De-escalation through escalation. I mean, do you even hear yourself? My God, de-escalation through escalation? That phrase is... Where have I heard it? It's right out of... Hold on a second. Let me see if I can... Hold on. No, it's not in there. Hold on. Let me see if I can find... No, it's not in there. Let me see if I can find... Oh, my God. John, that cat has wrecked me. That cat has wrecked me. That cat has wrecked me. John, that cat has wrecked havoc on your bachelor lifestyle. Although I do take issue with one of Garfield's bromides. I happen to love Mondays. It's the start and end of every work week. Though I hear Fridays are nice, but... But here's the worst part. The country that's providing all the bombs to the Middle East, or I guess now we have to call the bombs... escalators... seems to have no idea when these bombs are gonna be used.

Speaker 10: We were not notified by the Israelis about their, um, strike or the intended target of their strike.

Speaker 11: First, uh, this is something we were not aware of or involved in. The United States, uh, did not know about, uh, nor was it involved in, uh, these, uh, incidents.

Speaker 1: Oh, they're not telling you anything, huh? Have you checked your pager? I mean, my God, there have to be other ways of achieving de-escalation without all this respectful exchange of missiles. Historically, that part is generally followed by years of sorrow and bloodshed. And we know there have been opportunities for de-escalation, but Netanyahu did not seem particularly interested in it. Oh, my God. I've criticized Netanyahu.

Speaker 2: What have I done? Go... go ahead. The people who are criticizing the prime minister, it is shameful, it is pathetic.

Speaker 12: We should be standing shoulder to shoulder with our strongest ally in the Middle East instead of launching this criticism.

Speaker 13: They criticize them for going too far constantly, and that gives Hamas comfort.

Speaker 4: I'm sorry?

Speaker 1: Criticism of the war is shameful, and it gives comfort to Hamas. You know who might be surprised to hear that? The Israelis, who are unbelievably critical of the war and Netanyahu.

Speaker 14: Netanyahu spoke to the public and told the truth, that he will not bring the kettles to life.

Speaker 1: What you gonna say now, mother... Get off my back. You heard what he said. He said... Ha.

Speaker 2: Does anyone have a Google Translate on what he said? The prime minister did not look the public in the eye and tell the truth, that he won't bring the hostages alive.

Speaker 5: It's a total failure, the Israeli government. No strategy, no vision.

Speaker 14: He is trying to do everything to prevent a deal. He don't have any intent to end this war.

Speaker 5: Netanyahu is lying as he believes.

Speaker 1: What antisemites the former prime minister of Israel and defense minister are. But still, people are going to see this segment and go, all right, maybe Israel isn't perfect. But criticizing them feeds the fire. Don't you worry about antisemitism? And to that I say no. I believe antisemitism will be fine. I gotta say, not for nothing, but from what I've experienced, it's very resilient. And it's not really tied to any event or war or activity or reality. For God's sakes, Kanye thought we ruined his Adidas deal. We just need orthotics, that's all. Antisemitism will survive this war like it survived all wars going back to the brave Hebrews at Masada. Do you see, Rabbi? I was paying attention in Hebrew. But you know what? You know what? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the blame the Jews from the Black Death to the Spanish Inquisition to the space lasers will all go away if Israel does right. And peace will reign. And people will no longer baselessly and conveniently blame the Jews when things don't work out exactly the way they want them to.

Speaker 15: This is the most important election in the history of the United States. I'm not going to call this as a prediction, but in my opinion, the Jewish people would have a lot to do with a loss if I'm at 40%.

Speaker 4: Son of a bitch.