Speaker 1: Hey, you know what, Dwight? Maybe we should get our photo ID taken together. That doesn't make any sense. Well, it saves time, you know? Because we could just meet in the parking lot every morning, walking together.

Speaker 2: Perfect.

Speaker 3: Smile.

Speaker 2: No. I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Speaker 1: This came out really well. There you go.

Speaker 2: This is humongous. I am not a security threat. And my middle name is Kurt, not fart. What did I write? I have another complaint for Jim's permanent file. Talk to Michael. I gave him the box. What box? Why do you report your snoring?

Speaker 4: Oh. Uh. Dwight. Oh, no. No. Four years of malfeasance unreported. This cannot stand. Okay, calm down. No, you calm down. Whose side is Toby on? Whose side are you on? Hey, hey, doc. Him or me. Him or me. I cannot work with Jim anymore. Okay. Either he goes or I go. Dwight. You choose. Stop. One of us is out of here by the end of today.

Speaker 5: Oh, okay.

Speaker 4: I am not bluffing. Okay. Okay? Yes. Do the right thing here, Michael. Okay, I have served you loyally for years. I deserve this. You know I do.

Speaker 5: You know, your ID says you're a security threat.

Speaker 3: You have till five.

Speaker 2: Oh, look, Jim. There's a sales manager position open in Stamford. Want me to call Jan and tell her you're interested? I could put in a good word for you, because I'll still be working here.

Speaker 4: Transfer. Transfer. Everybody. Transfer. Transfer. Transfer.

Speaker 5: Okay, you two in the conference room with me. Nobody leaves until we work this out. Cage match. Cage matches? Yeah, they work. How could they not work? If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage. Okay, so Dwight, in your own words. Someone replaced all my pens and pencils with crayons. I suspect Jim Halpert. Everyone has called me Dwayne all day. I think Jim Halpert paid them to.

Speaker 1: Yes. Five bucks each, and it was totally worth it.

Speaker 5: This morning I found a bloody glove in my desk drawer, and Jim Halpert tried to convince me I committed murder. I think he may be the real murderer. Jim Halpert said there was an abandoned infant in the woman's room. When I went to save the child, I saw Meredith on the can. God. This morning I knocked myself in the head with the phone.

Speaker 1: That actually took a while. I had to put more and more nickels into his handset until he got used to the weight, and then I just took them all out.

Speaker 5: Every time I typed my name, it said diapers.

Speaker 1: Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny, one after another. But he does deserve it, though.

Speaker 5: By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.

Speaker 1: Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.

Speaker 5: Okay, Ryan, you told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?

Speaker 3: I know exactly what he's talking about. I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer. Very nutritious, but they smell like death.