Satirical Breakdown of the New Epstein Files Release (Full Transcript)

[00:00:00] Speaker 1: Amber, Senator, I'm going to show you some highlights from the week that was. You tell me what's the story.

[00:00:07] Speaker 2: OK, the Department of Justice, old man Yapalot. Oh, no, Epstein, no. And Redacted. This story is about Epstein and all the things he may or may not have done.

[00:00:20] Speaker 3: I'm going to say he may have done them.

[00:00:22] Speaker 1: Yeah. Let's get the first thing out the way off the top. Who, sitting right here?

[00:00:29] Speaker 4: No.

[00:00:30] Speaker 1: Right now, is in the Epstein files. Senator.

[00:00:35] Speaker 5: Senator, right here, what are you talking about?

[00:00:38] Speaker 6: Only in newspaper articles, please. Yes. Who else? Look at Michael. He is on there. Michael, look at me. Michael, make eye contact with me, Michael.

[00:00:52] Speaker 1: So this is true. This is true. Hassan, you and I are in the Epstein files. No, it's for doing political. Calm down, we're going to get to the why. Don't ever get to why, and let me just enjoy it.

[00:01:05] Speaker 2: No. No, I have to get to why.

[00:01:06] Speaker 1: You're all nasty. No, Hassan and I are in the files for doing political comedy shows. Senator Schiff is in there for a bunch of news headlines. And Michael Ian Black is in there for his show on something called Crackle. OK. So, Amber, it looks like you are the odd one out when it comes to who's in the Epstein files. Now, we've had about a week to take in all of this.

[00:01:35] Speaker 5: Wait a second. This is, bro, we're boys. And you text me, hey, come on the show. And you're going to ambush like, you're going to ambush me in act one with a comedian friend of mine. I mean, who's in the Epstein files? I'm like, hey, how do you think I feel? Senator, you know what you signed up for. We and him. It's not you, we in it.

[00:02:07] Speaker 6: It's we. Right, we're in this together. They're clearly playing a version of Hide the Slime Ball with all these redactions. The fact that they dig up you in Crackle, that they can find, but all the other stuff ends up redacted.

[00:02:24] Speaker 3: Nobody has ever even heard of this streaming platform, Crackle. But somehow, I'm in the goddamn Epstein files.

[00:02:37] Speaker 1: Senator Schiff, can you remind us exactly of how did that happen, and what giant trove came out of last week's release?

[00:02:46] Speaker 6: Well, you'll remember during the campaign, Trump and the people around him were promising they were going to release the files. They were going to finally have transparency. Trump gets into office. It's the last thing that he wants.

[00:02:57] Speaker 1: Now, let's get into the details of these files a little bit more with a game I like to call Remember 2008? If you don't remember 2008, it was the seminal years. Barack Obama's first term in office. Iron Man dropped, starting the whole Marvel empire. And a gentleman named Flo Rida reminded us to get low, low, low, low. Does anyone know what else happened in 2008?

[00:03:22] Speaker 3: Is that the year Epstein first went to prison for soliciting sex from a child?

[00:03:27] Speaker 1: Points for you. All right. Good.

[00:03:31] Speaker 3: That's impressive.

[00:03:33] Speaker 1: 2008 was the year Jeffrey Epstein pleaded guilty to solicitation of prostitution with a minor and was sentenced to 18 months in prison. So if people hang out with Jeffrey Epstein before 2008, maybe he's just a weird, rich guy. But if people hang out with him after 2008, they're hanging out with a dude who admitted to soliciting sex with kids. So let's start off easy. Who is that? Howard Lutnick. Yeah, that's Trump's commerce secretary. And he kind of looked like your mama's first boyfriend after a divorce. We've talked previously on the show about Lutnick and the whole relationship with Epstein. They live next door to him. And so in 2005, he had a little chit-chat with Epstein. 2005. Is that before or after 2008? Before. Yes, it is before. So maybe Lutnick didn't know what Epstein was up to. And here's what Lutnick most famously said about his 2005 visit with Epstein.

[00:04:32] Speaker 4: My wife and I decided that I will never be in the room with that disgusting person ever again. So I was never in the room with him socially, for business, or even philanthropy. If that guy was there, I wasn't going, because he's gross.

[00:04:53] Speaker 3: Good for him. That's right. You know what? I'm revising my opinion about Howard Lutnick. Here, I thought this guy was just a greasy, grifting, corrupt, money laundering commerce secretary. But now I know that he's a man of high moral fiber. Roy? Here's CBS News with the answer.

[00:05:13] Speaker 7: Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick arranged a visit to Epstein's island with his wife and children in 2012, after which Epstein passed along this message to Lutnick. Nice seeing you.

[00:05:24] Speaker 3: OK, but 2012 is before 2008, like we said.

[00:05:29] Speaker 1: Like, why would you, hey, man, nice seeing you. Like, you would never email your drug dealer after buying the drug, hey, thank you for the drugs again. You learned about this guy in the Epstein files. Pitbull. Senator, any guesses on who that is?

[00:05:46] Speaker 3: Did someone say Pitbull? That is the new CBS medical correspondent, Peter Atilla, hired by the terrific Barry Weiss.

[00:05:54] Speaker 1: Yes, that is celebrity doctor and part-time Vin Diesel impersonator, Peter Atilla. And he recently got a new job, and he really want to keep that job.

[00:06:04] Speaker 7: The Epstein files also show hundreds of references to the name of author Peter Atilla, who was recently hired as a CBS News contributor, including a crude sexual message by Atilla. Atilla posted a statement apologizing and saying he was not involved in any criminal activity. Paramount Skydance, owner of CBS News, did not immediately respond to my request for comment.

[00:06:25] Speaker 2: Isn't he at CBS? Ask yourself.

[00:06:28] Speaker 5: We've all been at work, and you get the, can we chat?

[00:06:34] Speaker 2: Do you think maybe there's just so many people in the Epstein files that they're like, 90% of the people on this panel are in the Epstein files? Do you think they're just like, it'll come for all of us eventually? The Epstein files are like death.

[00:06:52] Speaker 1: It turns out Atilla's name is mentioned in the Epstein files more than 1,700 times according to Atilla's own book.

[00:07:01] Speaker 3: I haven't read Peter Atilla's book, I'll be honest. I've got several copies of it, but I haven't read it yet.

[00:07:09] Speaker 1: Atilla tried to make a date with Epstein while his baby was in the ICU. In his book, Outlive, Atilla says his wife called him on Tuesday, July 11th. She was on her way to the hospital where their baby then stayed for four days. Instead of going to be with them, it appears that Atilla got up the next morning and made a date with Jeffrey Epstein. Now, according to Atilla, he did not come home to San Diego until 10 days later. No. Here's celebrity doctor and husband of the year himself.

[00:07:42] Speaker 8: So you're with my wife right now, and she put the question to me, do you think any other woman could be married to you? I responded, absolutely. I'm a catch. I think lots of women could be married to me.

[00:07:59] Speaker 2: 10 days. 10 days. That means he has like no regard for children, of course. I got there. I got there myself.

[00:08:09] Speaker 1: How is Peter Atilla being held accountable for his actions, Hasan? I'm assuming none. There's no accountability. That's just my hot take. Yeah, well, if we're talking about accountability for Peter Atilla, the answer is that there will be no accountability. According to the LA Times, Peter Atilla will be keeping his job at CBS.

[00:08:32] Speaker 2: Hear that? It's the ghosts of all the people in the Epstein file.

[00:08:37] Speaker 6: CBS has a new editorial policy, which is to say, no policy, anything goes, apparently. Anything that doesn't displease the president is their policy. Let it roll.

[00:08:50] Speaker 1: Let's talk about a guy who is experiencing some degree of consequences for his relationship with Epstein, and that's the former chairman of the Paul Weiss law firm, Brad Karp. Brad corresponded with Epstein in 2016, and he had a special request.

[00:09:04] Speaker 9: In one email exchange, Karp appears to ask Epstein for help, getting his son a job on a Woody Allen movie.

[00:09:10] Speaker 1: Epstein-Woody Allen crossover. That's like Freddy versus Jason.

[00:09:19] Speaker 3: You remember that? Alien, Predator, like. Except it's just Predator versus Predator. Now, why might the Paul Weiss law firm sound familiar? This is when Trump first came into office, right? There were a bunch of law offices that, rather than get sued by Trump, said, we'll just do pro bono work for you into the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars, and they were the first one to do that?

[00:09:41] Speaker 5: Yes.

[00:09:41] Speaker 2: Oh, no.

[00:09:42] Speaker 5: Wait, so they were like the ACLU for corruption, is what you're saying?

[00:09:46] Speaker 1: That's exactly what it was. It was part of a legal deal to give tens of millions of dollars in free legal work to causes backed by Donald Trump. Now, for double point, who was the person who brokered that deal? Same dude, Brad. Yes. I was sure it was going to be Woody Allen. Now, let's move on to our old pal Elon Musk. Aw. Don't boo. Sometimes it's good to see a familiar, creepy-looking person. When the new Trove of Files came out, Musk tweeted, quote, Epstein hounded me relentlessly to go to his pedo island, and I always declined. Question. Is that what the emails really say?

[00:10:31] Speaker 2: Please no, and please show it now.

[00:10:34] Speaker 7: This appears to be an email from Elon Musk to Epstein in 2012, asking, what day night will be the wildest party on your island? Musk, who repeatedly has called for the release of an Epstein client list, denies any wrongdoing. Writing over the weekend, if I actually wanted to spend my time partying with young women, it would be trivial for me to do so without the help of a creepy loser like Epstein.

[00:10:57] Speaker 1: I could throw my own creepy party. Mm-hmm.