Speaker 1: Here's a question I get fairly often, which is how to have uncomfortable conversations. As you know, I talk about the importance of human skills. Cats don't have to work very hard to be cats. It comes pretty naturally to them. But for us as human beings, we actually have to work very hard to be human. And one of those human skills that we need to practice is how to have uncomfortable conversations. Being uncomfortable is part of being human. And sometimes discomfort is caused by something we have with another person, whether professionally or personally, there is a tension that causes discomfort. Now, there are many ways to respond to that discomfort. We can run away from it. That is an option. Avoidance is always an option. I don't think it's the best option, because then it just perpetuates the discomfort or breaks relationships. The better way to deal with it is to lean into the tension. Now, there are also multiple ways to lean into tension. If you want to have a confrontation with someone, if you want to lean into that tension and have an uncomfortable conversation, too often when we don't have the skill set, it gets worse. And it explodes and becomes an argument and sometimes also ends in a destroyed relationship. So the skill of having an uncomfortable conversation is essential. This is how I do them. In fact, I just had one recently with a friend and it went like this. I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with you. By stating what's about to happen, it lets the person take a deep breath and know what's about to happen is leaning into tension. It also lets them be prepared and be a little less defensive. If you don't trust your skills on how to have an uncomfortable conversation, then say something like this. I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with you. I'm afraid of having this conversation, because I'm afraid that I'll say the wrong thing or it'll come out the wrong way and make things worse. So please be patient with me as I try to fumble through this and get out what I need to tell you. But it's more important to me that I have this conversation with you and try and address this situation than avoid it, because this relationship matters to me and I want to go through this with you. Can we have that conversation? And I always do that. I always ask permission. Can we have that conversation? Can I have this conversation with you now? Because they may not be in the mindset for it. They may say, yes, I want to have this conversation, but can we have it in an hour, right? So as opposed to being sprung on them. So I have to have an uncomfortable conversation with you. Can I have it now? Yes. Okay. Now you want to engage in something called FBI. It's just a mnemonic. You can do it in any order, but you have to have all three. Your feelings, the behavior that made you feel that way, and the potential impact of the behavior doesn't change. Be specific as you can. Feelings. Do better than happy, sad, angry. I'm really frustrated. Or I was put on edge. Or I'm feeling distant from you. Or I'm uncomfortable because. Then label the behavior that they did that made you feel that way. And again, be really, really specific. Avoid things like you always dot, dot, dot, because they'll tell you the one time that they didn't and now you're backpedaling. Pick the most egregious or the most recent one and talk about that situation and how whatever they did made you feel a certain way. And your fear that if that continues or if it goes unaddressed, that something will happen. Maybe, you know, there'll always be tension between us and the relationship will break. And that's exactly what I did with my friend. It's a relatively new friend. Something happened that made it uncomfortable. I said, I need to have an uncomfortable conversation with you. Just fumble through this with me. But this relationship matters to me. And so I want to have this conversation. I addressed what the situation was. And then I said, my fear is that if you and I don't lean into this now, that this little friendship, this friendship, this sprouting of a friendship that we're having will get destroyed. And I would actually rather see it grow. And we had a very uncomfortable conversation. And it turned out to be fantastic because we ended up opening up to each other and revealing various insecurities and fears that were both triggered by each other. And it was just fantastic. And the relationship is even better now than it was before. So please, please, please practice and learn the skill of having uncomfortable conversations. And the way you're going to practice them is by actually having them.