Speaker 1: I think that playing the victim role, like it has never, at least for me, it's never served me. I've never actually seen that playing the wounded, you know, person's like, oh, woe is me. It's never worked out well, ever. Let's talk about betrayal. All right, guys, this came in from the Connect inbox. Question from Corinne Davis.

Speaker 2: The very active. The very active, wonderful Corinne Davis.

Speaker 1: Okay, any suggestions on how...

Speaker 2: And by the way, it's Corinne. I don't know how you sucked me into your accent. Yeah.

Speaker 1: It's the special way of saying it. You've got to be British.

Speaker 2: I see.

Speaker 1: Okay, so any suggestions on how best to get over a slight to moderate betrayal? Wow. Not actually cheating, but outside the bounds of acceptable, agreed upon behavior. The party that breached the trust is remorseful, wants forgiveness and another chance. Thank you, guys. I'm not sure what I'd do without y'all.

Speaker 2: Well, so here's the good news. This totally comes down to the partners. So if they, if Corinne believes that this is something that she wants to move forward, wants to get past, then absolutely. To get past it, you literally have to let it go. This is not one of those things that can linger in the back of your mind. It's not one of those things that you can bring up again later and punish them. You either get over it or you make it a decisive moment. Outline exactly what you need from them in order to... You get over it, like whatever your ask is, whatever change in behavior, like whatever that's going to be, but detail that up front and then you have to stick to it. So this is one where I really feel like almost more of the work is on the side of the person that has to do the forgiving because you actually have to let it go. So, and I think that that's really, yeah, that's really hard for people. I think people have a harder time actually letting go than they have being remorseful for their behavior. Yeah.

Speaker 1: But don't you think that certain people that are remorseful, it's still like they still have to actually make changes in their life because there's one thing to go, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And then what happens six months down the line when you're potentially put in that same situation, you've got to actually make changes in your life so that you don't put yourself back into that. You don't have the same outcome.

Speaker 2: Yeah. I'll put that into what I mean by pathological. Like if, if they're incapable of change, like if they're not going to be able to get themselves out of that behavior, if the way that they felt in doing that and the distance that it created on their side, like if they're just sorry because they got found out, that's one thing. But if they, it's interesting, you're having a, uh, unexpected response to this.

Speaker 1: I think because yes, I think when you see that you've hurt somebody, they're going to be sorry, right? You feel it, but acting and changing your actions later is two very different things. So they may be super genuine and completely sorry.

Speaker 2: So what's your advice? Fuck them. Like, cause that's what's hiding behind your words.

Speaker 1: No, it's when you said that it's the person that has to do for the forgiveness. I think that's harder.

Speaker 2: I think that there is a, there is less likelihood that she will be able to all things being equal. I happen to know her, so I have high hopes that she's so growth mindset that she'll be able to do it. But just like your average citizen, they feel so. So just in coming after that person six months from now, a year from now, they're going to keep bringing this shit up. And because I think that is way more of a dangerous human behavior because that is going to keep it being a problem and the person feels that they're punished routinely and that they're never able to get past it, that they're going to slip, not even slip. They're going to stay in the same behavior patterns cause they're thinking, what the fuck? Like there's nothing I can do. So because she's never going to get over it anyway, I might as well fucking keep doing it. So that I think is for sure the more dangerous part because people feel so justified. Almost certainly the other person does not feel justified. And so that's part of why they feel remorse. Now they may be incapable of change. It may be a total dirt bag. And if they're a dirt bag and they can't change, then absolutely that like that's the problem. But when you're talking about a betrayal and actually moving on from it for sure, 100% the person can't keep doing the behavior. I'll say that that's given the thing that people don't see coming that's going to really cause them problems is they don't know how to actually let it go. They know how to say the words like I'm going to, in fact, God, everything comes like what you're reading really frames everything. So I'm reading the long walk to freedom by Nelson Mandela. It is insanity, insanity. What happened during apartheid? During in South Africa, I mean, just even before he goes to jail, the book is exhausting because like they keep taking him to jail like over and over and over. It's crazy town for like the dumbest shit. And in that it's like you get it. They let him out of jail, but they are just waiting to take him back. Just like waiting like he is terrified to even just be in a car because if you get stopped at a roadblock, which they would set up routinely, they may just take you in just because.

Speaker 1: And you're saying that someone that may have been stung is doing that.

Speaker 2: Yeah, like they let them out of jail, quote unquote, right? But they're just waiting to punish them again. They're waiting to bring it up. And that's where I think couples get in trouble. That shit is hard because you're you're in like she is in the right. If it's a mutually recognized betrayal, she knows she's in the right. He knows he's in the wrong. So how do you meet again as equals? That's the hard part.

Speaker 1: Yeah, that's actually a really good point. I think people do. You hold on to things like that because like I think everything you need to heal. Right. And if you haven't healed, then you kind of keep it's like a wound that you that just keeps on bleeding. Right. You're putting like a bandaid over it. So I think for us, we would dig deep and we'll go, how did it happen in the first place? Right. Like we always trying to take the responsibility on ourselves. So like if you had done something that to me was a betrayal in our agreed, you know, I guess rules of engagement. I would absolutely ask what happened, so get the story and then I would figure out what did you do wrong and then what did I do wrong? Right. Like, how can I take ownership of it instead of playing the victim? And to me, that's very important and very powerful because I, I think that playing the victim role like it has never at least for me is never served me. I've never actually seen that playing the wounded, you know, person's like, oh, woe is me. It's never worked out well. Ever. Um, it's only until I changed my mindset that go, okay, well this happened. Yes. It sucks. It feels shitty. But now what can I do to improve that? And so what is it? What have I done in that relationship that's caused you to, let's say, do something potentially wrong? Oh, have I? Maybe I haven't. And maybe that's you. And maybe now it's certain things that are going in your life has led you to that. But again, I would still go, okay, but I then didn't help him through it. How can I help him through? What were the signals that I ignored? Um. And that's just how I would own it myself. And really, I find that that having that type of control really does help, um, improve situations. But yeah, letting go is definitely a massive thing. And hey, look, if in the first few weeks or something, I recognize my emotions that I'm going to be on edge. Like, let's say every time your phone rings, every time you go to text someone for whatever reason, let's say I'm just on edge, right? Like, is that her assuming this is a situation, right? Is that her? Like, is he texting her? I would own up to that and I would be honest about it. And I would absolutely tell you, look, because of this situation, we have to work through it. But these are the realities. I'm going to be paranoid. I'm going to like, every time you pick up your phone, I may wonder, is that her? I just need you to bear with me and understand that's a process I need to go through because I am still wounded and this is what I need and being very honest and open to your partner so that you don't feel like you're going crazy, that you don't sit there and go, oh shit, his phone's ringing, oh my God, like, is that, like, I would just be open and go, this is one of those moments that I'm actually feeling really insecure right now. Well. Done. Thanks. All right. Bye. Bye. Bye.